Pete Dodd Dot Com (.us)

I don’t even know where to start or what exactly I am going to write about.  I know I should write.  Well, actually, I know that most days I should write, and most days I don’t.  This blog is becoming a bi-monthly thing, which is ok, I guess, but I need to be doing something.  I mean, I don’t want to “blog” (god I hate that word as an adjective) about my life on a daily basis.  That would bore the piss out of me.

There is an awful lot going on right now though.  The world just feels extra intense, if Im allowed to describe it rather amateurishly.  I guess the biggest news is that Arnee and I are looking to move back to Connecticut.  This, I think, is a very good thing.  I’m glad to have lived in NYC.  Actually, I wish I did it when I was younger and I would have taken advantage of it more…  but even as is, it’s an experience that I think makes me a bit more rounded as a person.  But truth of the matter is that living in NYC is very hard.  It’s worth it, because it really does feel like the center of the universe, but that also mean it’s extremely fucking tiring.  The city is brutal.  It’s never not busy.  There’s never no traffic.  Everything costs a goddamn fortune.  There’s crazy people doing crazy shit everywhere.  There’s opportunity and failure and opportunity and failure and it’s just so goddamn intense.

Intense is something I’m not.  If a survey went out to all of my friends asking to describe me I can say with 99% accuracy that the word intense would not ever be mentioned, unless it was preceded with the words “not” or “isn’t.”  That, in itself, is why I had to live in NYC.  Well, I had to live in NYC because I fell in love with a woman that lived here…  but on an intellectual and emotional level, that’s why I had to live here.  One of my greatest struggles in life is breaking out of comfort zones.  This explains why after 9 years, and moving 100 miles away, im still working at the same job.   This explains why on my drive to work I stop at the same place, at the same time, and get the same food and the same drink.  I crave routine.  I really want everything to be predictable.  I do, as most folks know, have a diagnosed panic disorder, so my brain is anything but predictable.  So in response I over compensate by trying to be as comfortable as possible at all times.

This makes succeeding in life a bit difficult, as I’m sure most of you can imagine.  I am an exhausting person to be around.  It’s a bit ironic that someone could be so lackadaisical and aloof, like I am, yet be so goddamn frustrating.  I think things would be easier if I was dumb, or untalented, or generally just mediocre.  But even I, who struggles with self-esteem issues (kinda) know that isn’t the case.  I’m a pretty smart dude, with an interesting and (usually) funny view of the world.  I kan rite gud.  I’m impressive in conversation, even if I do tend to stutter and say um a lot.  If you know me you know I’m capable of great things.  And if you know me you know that in 34 years I haven’t even come close yet.

So what do I do?  I don’t know.  I hoped that moving to NYC would be the kick in the ass to get me going.  It wasn’t.  I also hoped that getting married would be the kick in the ass to get me going.  It wasn’t either.  In fact, right now, I am in a severe funk.  I can’t put my finger on exactly why.  Well, I can put together a road map that got me here, and it makes sense, but none of the items in and of themselves is good enough to be considered a cause.  But let’s review.

I’m stuck in my job.  I don’t mean, necessarily, that I’m stuck *at* my job, though I kinda am (see: aforementioned comfort).  But at my job, living in NYC, I’m not going to move ahead.  They wouldn’t promote me.  If they got high on meth and did promote me I wouldn’t be capable of fulfilling the role anyway.  So I’m cruising along, doing work im overqualified for, getting paid dick, and not being challenged in the slightest.  And then there’s marriage, which for the most part is really neat.  In our first year of marriage Arnee and I have fought less than most of my more complicated relationships.  But, when you’re married, the disagreements carry more weight.  No longer am I arguing about someone not paying attention to me, or paying too much attention to me, or whatever other emo shit I was ever concerned about.  These are conversations, sometimes loud, about money, about babies, about jobs, about our whole goddamn lives.  It’s a lot to process!  I mean, seriously, every other relationship I’ve been a part of we were just trying to make it through the week.  Arnee and I are discussing things to make it through the century.  There is a comfort in that, but fuck if it isn’t difficult.

And then there’s the uncontrollable shit that happens in life.  Arnee’s mother, for instance, is losing her memory and personality and ability to take care of herself.  This is an impossible situation.  Most thing, in fact all of the things I mentioned up above, there *is* a happy resolution to, it’s just a matter if we can get there or not.  This.  This fucking nightmare, this is something that doesn’t, can’t, won’t end in rainbows and puppies.  It’s painful, it’s exhausting, it’s disgusting – to be frank.  Life is a cruel bitch.  This situation sucks and there’s nothing we can do to make it not suck.  Hopefully moving back to CT and spending more time with her and giving her brother and sister in a law a much needed reprieve will be helpful…  but let’s be honest, we aren’t even close to shedding our last tears over this.  Not even close.

All of this is combining to put my brain in a pretty bad spot.  Well, I guess relatively speaking.  I have, over the years, become much better at dealing with life than I once was.  Like, for instance, I’m still sober.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve been thinking about drinking, ALOT, lately, but I’m sober.  I can deal with this shit without it.  If and when i do have a drink again, it shouldn’t be because I can’t handle life.   But beyond just that, I’m clearly depressed, or at the very least borderline depressed.  I spend (some, not all) days completely miserable.  I am way, way more sensitive with my friends and acquaintances than I should be (I mean, I am when in a normal mood, so when I’m like this im wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sensitive and I think a bit unbearable to be around).  I am fucking up left and right at work.  The post below this is when I thought I was getting fired.  Yeah, it’s that bad.  Well, actually, it *was* that bad.  In recent weeks I’ve gotten my shit together and I’ve been doing better.  It’s insane that I could do bad at a job that is completely second nature to me now… but that’s where I am in my head.  My memory is a disaster lately.  I can’t remember shit.

It may be more than depression and stress.  I went to the doctor on Friday.  They took a bunch of blood and are testing for other stuff…  the most likely being diabetes, something that is prevalent on both sides of my family.  Diabetes is something that completely scares the shit out of me.  I mean, I know it’s manageable, but what scares me is that it pretty much dominates and changes your life.  As I mentioned several paragraphs ago…  that’s not really something I’m good at.  It scares me.  I know I can do it, but I know it won’t come easy to me.  I’m just not built to take on that much change all at once.

Through this all, though, my wife has been pretty goddamn amazing.  I mean, does she want to strangle me when I lose all grip of financial sanity and spend money I don’t have on shit I don’t need?  Yes, of course she does.  But does she also sit up and do everything in her power to make me feel better as I’m having a panic attack at 4am?  She sure does.  She hasn’t completely perfected it yet, but she is becoming pretty darn good at balancing putting a foot in my ass to move me forward… and know when to let up because I’m becoming overwhelmed.  This is a level of extra effort it takes to be with me, a level that no one (and I’m not blaming them) ever wanted to give, but she does.  And she’s amazing for that.   I hope in return I’m equally good to her.  I think I am.  Arnee is a high energy person and I think I’m good at grounding her a bit, keeping her even keeled and focused on what really matters.  This first year, which is up in less than a month, has been a whirlwind, but not because of how we treat each other.  In fact I think we both would be fucked right now if we didn’t have each other.  So that’s cool.

But…  but, I’m just not happy right now.  I wish I was.  But I’m not.   I’ll hear on Tuesday whether or not it’s physical, but it’s probably just in my head.  And I need to get that shit straight.  I have a call in to my psychologist and I think moving back to CT will really help.  I have a plan to get better, and that’s the most important part of getting out of shit like this, but as of right this moment I’m down.  And if it’s becoming a drag on you, however you are related to my life, be it wife, friend (internet included),  or through work… I apologize.  I’ll get better.